Low Country Customs

Now same-sex folk get wedding bands
In Belgium and the Netherlands,
Though red-faced clerics' voices swell
And Amsterdamn us all to Hell.
We gay men - whether camp or butch -
Can plight our troth thanks to the Dutch.

And women, should their thoughts turn Sapphic,
May join the Channel-crossing traffic.
So get on board that boat from Harwich
If you prefer a lesbian marrwich
As wedding vows for she and she
Have legal force on Zuider Zee.

Fairies who grow mutually fonder
Are linked by law in Dendermonde.
If matrimony's for you benders
Then join the pink throng of Ostenders.
Those men who like to shag a gent
Could do much worse than visit Ghent.

Men who take it up the bum
Can now get matched in Hilversum
There's union for the homosex
Amid the splendour that's Utrecht's.
If you're a dyke, a poof, a bugger,
Get spliced in Antwerp or Zeebrugge.
But Tory queers (let's not be vague)
At all costs should avoid The Hague.

 (Written shortly before the 2001 Election)

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